I love sitting on this bench next to the highway, especially during this season. There’s something special about autumn leaves, you know. The sound they make as the screeching wheels of cars run over them is not like the sound of being crashed, it’s actually quite pleasant to the ear.
See, I have grown a deep appreciation for the nature surrounding me because of my condition.
Nine years ago, during this very season, I was a married woman. I still scoff when I say that. Jonah was his name. I was twenty then, and he was four years older. Jonah and I met at a coffin store.
“Who did you lose, ma’am?” he asked me after I ordered for a coffin.
“My grandmother,” I responded, downtrodden.
Many people are surprised when I say losing my grandmother was the lowest point of my life because I’ve been through a lot worse, but nothing compares to that moment. She was all I had. The tragic story of what happened to my parents is for another day. All I can say for now is my granny is the only relative I ever knew.
“You ordered the cheapest coffin, wouldn’t you want a special send-off for your granny?” asked Jonah.
“I can’t even afford this one. I just don’t want to bury her without a coffin.”
Jonah stared at me for a while. He then took a small book from a drawer and wrote something down.
“You can have the best coffin in the store for free,” he told me.
I cried and thanked him endlessly. He was a complete stranger and yet he had shown great generosity. Before I left the store, he gave me his number and said I could call him if I needed anything. I went back home that day sad, but relieved I’d be able to give my beloved granny a dignified funeral. My grandparents had actually been considered a little more wealthy than the rest of the villagers. They had more cattle and goats and their farm was larger. Grandpa used to be a headmaster in his prime years. He passed on due to kidney failure. Things turned bleak from then, the workers left and life became hard. It was six months later that Grandma’s condition also deteriorated and she also passed.
Home was a four-roomed house on the periphery of our small village. It had always had a warmth and a light to it that made it more comfortable than other better-looking houses I’ve been to. However, my granny’s absence made it feel dark and void, and I knew I could not live here alone. So, after the funeral (which literally had five people), I decided to leave the village for the city.
I slept on the streets for three days. On the fourth day, as I was moving from store to store looking for a job, I met Jonah again. He felt sorry for me when he saw my condition and offered to accommodate me at his place, and take care of all my needs. I was grateful to have a roof over my head so I agreed.
“So, you also moved to the city?” I asked him as we settled into the one-room he rented inside another family’s house.
“Yeah, I uhh..I was fired from work after I failed to pay for the coffin I gave you.”
“Oh no! I’m really sorry to hear that.”
This was when I learned that Jonah was not the owner of that coffin store but just an employee, and now he had lost his job because he helped me.
He said I was beautiful and that he didn’t regret helping me. Beautiful is not a word I had ever used to describe myself. There are parts of my anatomy I’ve always wished I could alter. So, to hear this nice gentleman say he thought I was beautiful felt great.
Jonah came home one day with a box of nice chocolates. He said he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. That’s kinda how we got ‘married.’ I don’t know if it’s love I felt for Jonah, or if my heart was just too stony to feel anything at that moment. Or maybe love has nothing to do with feelings at all. What I do know for sure is that I made a decision to care for this man. See, I needed someone to fill in the care void in my heart.
The owner of the house we rented was a 43 year-old man nicknamed Rhino for how big he was, probably for his nose as well. He lived with his wife and three children. They had rented out their spare bedroom to Jonah and I in order to make some extra money. Rhino barely made enough to afford the family a decent dinner.
“How old are you Lucy?” Rhino randomly asked me one day as I was doing laundry behind the house. “You look quite young.”
“I’m twenty-four,” I lied, looking away. The way he was staring at me made me very uncomfortable.
“Listen, you are a very pretty girl, what are you doing with a poor man?”
I did not respond to him. Rhino took a step closer to me and I moved a distance away.
“I could make you very happy.”
I honestly don’t know why some men feel that statement alone is good enough to win over a woman’s interest.
I told Rhino I didn’t have time to listen to him, and then I wiped my wet hands against my skirt and got back into the house.
He made advances towards me many more times in the weeks that followed. I told Jonah about it but I think he did not believe me. He was too busy trying to get his business running so we could live a comfortable life. With the way money was out of his reach, Jonah said he was just grateful that Rhino made us pay half the rent other house-owners charged.
One night, Jonah was out at work very late at night. I heard a gentle knock on our door. The moment I opened the door, Rhino forced himself inside and banged the door behind him, pushing me some steps back. I was terrified. He looked like a monster, his eyes raging with lust and anger.
“What are you doing?” I asked with a high pitched voice, hoping his wife and children would hear and come to my rescue. I realised Rhino was holding a small black bottle in his left hand. He drew near to me and as I tried to run away he held me tight and poured the contents of the bottle onto my face. I started burning so intensely that I hit Rhino and escaped his grip, knocking the bottle to the ground. It felt as if he had electrocuted me with a 1000volts and set my face ablaze at the same time.
The door banged open and I heard Jonah shouting, asking what was going on. He came and lifted me off the ground and placed me on the bed, panting and whispering that everything was going to be okay… but there was a fear in his voice that I’d never heard before. I kept screaming and wriggling in pain. I literally thought my flesh was being consumed off my facial bones. I don’t recall much of what happened after that, because the next time I got my consciousness I was surrounded by that peculiar hospital smell of medicine and I felt my face wrapped in bandages.
I couldn’t speak for about two months, and the doctors thought I’d actually never speak again. When I finally did, I asked why it was so dark. I got no response. I heard two women whispering to each other with voices full of sympathy. It took me a while to figure out I had gone blind. Completely blind.
“Where’s Jonah?” I asked.
“Who’s Jonah my dear?” a nurse asked.
“My husband. Jonah should be here right now.”
“Oh…uhmm, my dear, I’m very sorry, your husband is not here right now,” she responded, the tone of her voice sad.
I wanted to scream out and just cry away all that was happening to me but the last ounce of strength left in my body I had just used to speak the previous words.
I later learned that Jonah was in jail. He had impulsively murdered Rhino the night of my acid attack.
The thought of spending the rest of my life trapped in this indescribable black void, alone, was too much to bear. I tried starving myself to death, but the nurses fed me intravenously.
“We were very happy when you made progress to be able to eat with your mouth my dear,” the nurse in charge of me said. I’d gotten used to her voice. It was motherly. “But now you’re refusing to eat anymore, it’s not good for your health.”
“I don’t have a reason to live anymore,” I told her, feeling frustrated.
“What was your reason before?” she asked.
It took me a while to think of an answer to that question.
“What am I going to do now? I can’t see anything! I have no one! I probably look too bad to be liked by anyone…tell me, what’s left to live for?”
“I see you had your entire self-worth wrapped around your physical appearance. You’re still here Lucy. That alone should tell you that it’s not over. You’re still here.” She said, and paused. “We were waiting for the right time to tell you this, but we recently found out that you’re pregnant.”
“What?” I exclaimed so hard it hurt my facial muscles.
I could not believe it. The first emotion I felt towards this was sadness. I would not be able to see my baby’s face. I started crying, wondering how I was going to take care of the baby.
However, it was the new life growing within me that gave me hope to keep living. The healing of my face and the bulging of my belly all happening gradually, strengthened me with each sunrise. My mind needed more healing than my face though. I learned to reach deep within my soul for a little amber of hope that had almost been extinguished. And I fanned it into flames until my soul was ablaze again, with life.
Seven months later, I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy and named him Hope. I was adviced many times to give him up for adoption but I would not hear of it. He gave me strength to spend my pregnancy learning how to read and write braille, and appreciating the finer details of life. I can tell you about the scent of an autumn sunrise, and the feel of a summer sunset. My eyes are unable to see my surroundings, but my imagination is fertile. I make my world as colourful as I want it to be. I don’t know what my face looks like, or if there are still any eyes on it. All I know is that I’m still as alive as I’ve ever been, if not more. Also, my definition of beauty has massively changed.
I wasn’t always secure about my condition, but Hope loves me unconditionally. He is eight now. And extremely intelligent. It hurts that I can’t see his adorable face, but he gives me joy in every way possible. I’ve never felt more beautiful than when I just gave myself over to serve another human being, and chose love, joy and peace that transcends all understanding.
I heard that Jonah will be released from jail tomorrow, I’m not sure if it’s true. He’s never seen his son, and he’s never seen me the way I look today. I wonder if he’d still want us to be a family. But I’m really not fussing over that. Coz with or without him; I’m guaranteed to always be loved. God is my sufficiency.
I would like you to know that I embrace my story; with all of its gruesome details, it’s still MY story. I do wish I could change a lot of the lines; make better decisions…but what I can do, is appreciate today, the present.
See, these leaves around me were once green, glistening with health as they were still attached to the tree. Then another season came, and they began drying off...dying of dehydration (i bet that wasn't fun). Weakly holding on to the tree with the last ounce of strength they had, the autumn winds blew them off the tree. And so here they lay, on the ground. On rock bottom. But look at them from where I'm sitting; they are what makes autumn magically beautiful. The blend of their colours, imprinted with all they've gone through, is breath-taking.
Maybe you look at me and see blind. I see blessed.
Oh yeah, I do see.
'Common are the eyes that look, but rare are the eyes that see.'
