What is courtship?
The dictionary says “ an act of wooing in love; soliciting of a woman to marriage.”
It is very difficult to know someone until you “study”him or her usually with the help of friends and relatives. So it is very crucial to do research on the one you intend to marry. This is the time we call courtship.
In research I mean laying out a number of questions about your intended spouse and actually finding answers to them. In African culture this job was usually done by the uncles and aunts but nowadays because of urbanisation and diaspora, it is quite difficult. It will be the Grace of God to find all the answers you want. If you prolong your research, it will lead to temptations
and you might end up confused.
The most important questions you must ask are:
1. LOVE
How much do I love this person? If one day he/she wakes up without this beauty I am
seeing now, will I continue to love him/her? If he snores when sleeping, will I
continue to love her/him? If he/she loses his/her eyes one day, will I continue to love
him/her? If you marry at the age of 25 and if God allows you live up to the age of
80 or 90 will you be able to love him/her for all those years after discovering
something which you did not know before you married?
Loving someone means sacrificing for another person unconditionally. It means to
love like Jesus.
You need to understand your partner’s character, habits and behaviour before you make a serious commitment. Introducing him/her to your relatives will expose whatever weakness he/she might have and that will give you enough time to decide whether to compromise or not.
Do not make a mistake of thinking that you are going to change the character,
behaviour, or habit of someone, you are not his/her creator. If anything, you might
make it worse than you found him. Instead, learn to love his/her character, behaviour
or habit. (😑)
Do not mistake love for lust. Lust will last for a very short time but love endures for a
very long time.
2. CHILDREN
During courtship, discuss about the number of children you want, if any. Discuss
about their names i.e. for both sexes. If possible write those names down so that you will not confuse your relatives who might want to give your children their names. Discuss about how many girls and how many boys you want to avoid surprises of an army of children when you are looking forward to having only two or three. Talk about where you intend your children to get their education and also how you are going to take care of their spiritual side. Talk about the possibility of not being able to have children and how you are going to handle it. Remember children are a blessing/gift from God. Even if you have millions in the bank, you cannot buy a child from God. You can only take care of them. You can only provide for their needs, that is clothing, food, shelter and education.
3. RELATIONS
When one marries, it is not for himself or herself. You are marrying for the whole
family. During courtship, learn to love those relatives you are introduced to or you are
told about. This is the time to know whether your spouse will take good care of you or
not. If your boyfriend takes good care of his mother, it’s a sure sign he will take care
of you. If he does not tell you about his mother’s birthday, he will also forget about
yours after you are married. (Hehehe😅).
If you are shy to show your spouse some of your relatives because of their certain
behaviours which you don’t like, how do you expect the partner to love them. Love
them all even the drunkards or even those who always beg for money. If you cannot
tolerate them, it is better to make a decision now before marriage.
Make it a point you have the siblings and close relatives’ birthdays and if possible
show love by buying them gifts. Remember you are doing this during courtship so
that it will be a norm when you are together.
4. INTERESTS
Many people divorce because of discovering some interests after marriage which they cannot put up with. Birds of the same feather flock together. Make sure your interests do not differ that much. Study what your partner likes and dislikes and learn to compromise. If say you love movies and your partner does not, it means you will fight for the remote control of the TV because you wont be watching the same things. Women learn to love soccer even if you don’t understand it make sure your partner explains it to you. Learn whatever sport your partner likes and make an effort to understand it. (Really mum?😒)
Know the type of food he loves and if you cannot prepare it make sure you learn
before you stay together as husband and wife. Men, learn to love the type of food your future wife likes to avoid conflicts in the home. If she likes eating okra, learn to eat it because it is not poison, it will not kill you. Just do it for your loved one. If he/she
loves to go to church, make sure you attend the same church and you show your love
right inside the church. Learn to pray together before the children come so that when they come it will not be difficult to incorporate them.
5. COMMUNICATION
Where there is no communication, there is no relationship. I do not mean just hi and
how are you on whatsapp or facebook. Tell each other real issues of life because as I
said you are going to spend a very long time with him/her. You need to tell him/her
every little detail about yourself, your thoughts, your ideas, plans etc. your jokes
should be known by the two of you(😆). Don’t let your partner learn news about you from other people. You should be the one telling other people about what happened to you.
Communicate about everything in your family so that your partner knows what to
expect when he/she joins you.
6. HONESTY
Honesty is a virtue, so they say. You should always tell the truth to your partner because a lie is difficult to maintain. You cannot tell a lie twice but the truth can be told a hundred times over without changing the words. Build your relationship on a foundation of truth so that your partner may trust you. If you keep on changing stories, it is most probable that you are lying. It is better for your partner to love you with your ugly past than on a
lie. When the truth comes out no one will support you. You have to be honest with
everything you have come across with before you met your partner. It is up to him/her to decide whether to go on with the relationship or to let you go. If something is discovered later in marriage, the probability of a divorce is very high. Even the Bible says that the truth will set will set you free. It is difficult to deal with an unreliable person. Remember you will be parents one day and your children will rely on you. You should be role models for your children. If you do not like your children to lie to you, they should learn to tell the truth from you.
If your plan fails, you need not lie about it. Maybe your partner has a better plan which can help you. People learn from their mistakes and therefore you just have to be honest with your partner. Your partner will respect you for telling the truth than for him/her to discover on his/her own.
Being late for an appointment is lack of honesty. You will find out that one will come up with a lot of excuses and sometimes lies to cover up why he/she was late. The truth will eventually come out because a lie is difficult to maintain.
7. MONEY
During courtship, talk about how you are going to handle your finances. You also talk
about who is going to handle the money in the home and how you are going to spend
it. Talk about budgeting together. When money is in the home, it has no name (🙌). It is the family money which should be used to solve family issues. Talk about separate
accounts or joint accounts. Research on what is best for you. Discuss about it and
reach a compromise (💅). Most divorces happen because of financial issues. Discuss about
each other’s needs and wants. Women need their make-up and men need their car
parts or newspapers. Do not be selfish. Accommodate each other. Discuss about the upkeep of your parents and/or siblings. Discuss about buying them clothes and other necessary items to meet their daily needs. If you have other responsibilities, like paying fees for your siblings or other relatives you are taking care of, discuss with your partner how you are going to handle the finances.
Talk about the type of car you want to buy, no surprises after marriage. Remember
you should have the same interests. If one wants a different type of car, make an effort to find out why he/she wants it. You will end up liking the same thing.
Talk about the type of house you are going to buy/build. All these should be within
your means, do not talk about something you cannot afford. If one wants to stay in a
luxury house but cannot afford it, he/she will end up being unhappy in the home.
Men, do not make promises you cannot keep otherwise you will not be a
reliable person (preach momma!👐). Talk about the kind of wedding you are going to have and all the expenses. Talk about the wedding rings and how much they are
going to cost. Talk about affordability and avoid getting into debt for luxury items like a ring because you want to make your partner happy.
8. BACKGROUND
As I said before, birds of the same feather flock together. It is very important that the person you are going to marry has a similar background with you. Listen as your partner speaks, the kind of words
he/she uses. If you are learning new words every time you meet, it’s a sign that your backgrounds are very different. The danger is that you will not be able to accommodate each other’s needs and wants.
If your partner has been to a lot of places, there is big chance that you will not be able to trust him/her. It is better to discover places together and learn new things together. Men do not like it if a woman knows better than him, they do not want to be challenged by a woman. Remember you are going to spend more years in marriage than you spend with your parents. Make a research about your partner’s background.
9’.FRIENDS
Two is company but three is a crowd. Involving many friends in a relationship
may be disastrous. There are people who naturally enjoy when a fellow being is
suffering. Only the two of you should be best of friends. Some friends are
unfortunate victims of poor parental guidance and have nothing good to offer
you in the building of a positive relationship.
10. SEX
Wait for the right moment when both of you are ready. It is God-given, do
not steal it . I suggest you wait patiently for God's time which is basically the best. If you are a girl and you give in to sex before marriage your boyfriend might not respect you. He will love you more for not sleeping
around with many men. No good boy will do anything that hurts the girl they genuinely love. He will sometimes test the girl and in the majority of cases girls fails the test and even lose the best father-to-be for their children. Love is not sealed by sex before marriage. Thousands of girls
have been abused and left empty and deprived of an essential element in
their lives. Sex is an important pillar of marriage and not courtship. This
topic will be dealt with later when you tie the knot.
Post by Mrs C Moyo
Married for 29 years
